The Missing Men

I am blessed in having some wonderful friends in my life and fortunate enough to have some incredible men amongst them, two of whom I have spent time with in the past week.

First there is PNL who never judges, gives sage advice, is my 'man about the house' on everything from jammed drawers to the best herbs to use and who has helped me through all manner of heart-breaks, fears, crises and joys.  Last week I scooted over to France to share three evenings with Misters NL in the luxury loft they were looking after in downtown Lille. We laughed, debated, dabbled in gastro porn, paddled, created in the kitchen together (n.b. the paddling was on the Belgium coastline, not the kitchen) and enjoyed much needed hugs. Moments that I will cherish especially as it may be quite some time until we're together again.

Two days later saw me in Dundee with another of the most significant men in my life.  One of the most incredible, energetic and challenging people I have ever encountered and who initially was my professional mentor and who now has evolved into a very dear friend and a very important guiding light in my life.  30 years separate us and yet we share similar values, ethics and a belief in honesty.  And a love of exercise.  Who else would pick me up, drop me in a gym and the next morning treat me to a dawn yomp in the dappled light of a wood before taking me for a sunny walk on the coast?  As with PNL, IM never has judged, can be painfully honest at times, but has taught me all manner of professional and personal lessons.  He has an aggressive form of cancer but maintains his strength and pragmatic take on life which his lovely wife is striving to replicate.  I rarely see IM in person and each moment together has become increasingly poignant and delicious - like a casserole that is left to rest and eaten the following dat - the nuances of flavour just get better and better.

Yet I return home to my lovely but lonely flat after each of these trips and cannot help but feel that there are certain men missing from my life.

First, my father.  He lives in a different country but that is not excuse enough for the lack of contact and interest in my life and that of my sisters and their children.  I will forever love my daddy but I continue to be mystified and somewhat hurt by the lack of his presence in my life.  I don't know what the answer is but I hope I still have the impetus to unearth it.

The other missing man is someone I'm not sure I would necessarily recognise but the absence of whom I feel and never more keenly than when I've spent time with those that I love.  A partner.  Someone with whom to share the daily joys, sorrows, worries and passions.  Lord knows I miss the passion.  As of 2nd August I have been single for three years.  Thankfully it no longer represents an aching chasm and for the first time in my adult life I am learning what it means to be me, on my own, and it's not the scary place I thought it to be.  

Perhaps he will forever remain a man of mystery.  Perhaps it really is fine to be on one's own for the rest of one's life.  Perhaps there really is no answer and one should concentrate not on the missing elements of one's life, but focus on those that exist.