Of course I never lose my temper, never even raise an eyebrow let alone my voice, and yet perhaps just for once I should. Am I that unimportant to friends that I am the one person that is expendable in their lives? Who it is more than acceptable to let down? "Good old ***, she won't mind" I can almost hear them say. Well actually I do mind and find it deeply upsetting and saddening. My rather fragile self-esteem certainly could do without these constant knocks at present.
I wonder if it is only when one is single that one truly appreciates the company of friends. Perhaps I am looking for too much from friendships rather than finding happiness and contentment within myself. As my surrogate uncle/father pointed out this week however, I am by nature happier when engaged in the company of others. Very sweetly he thinks that I have a huge amount of love to give and so cannot help but be disappointed and yes, hurt, when the actions of others could be interpreted as disregard and disrespect.
I am learning however to say to myself "pick yourself up lady and learn to be happy from within. Accept that you may never find another relationship or have a family and learn to be content with that. Find pleasure in every day and ways to connect with people."
And yes, my 'non date' has ended up being 'non' in every sense - and the most telling of all. Nonexistent. I give up!
