I thought I was rather good at being invisible, certainly certain incidences and the behaviour of others' indicated that I should be awarded a gold star. Parents who are largely uninterested in my life and rarely get in touch; people who think nothing of cancelling arrangements to meet up; being knocked over by a bike etc. Of course I am responsible for certain events and instances in my past - allowing myself to be persuaded to dress to fit my ex's idea of what a Chelsea girlfriend looks like (not me apparently!); merging so well into the background that both of my significant others forgot that I existed and strayed elsewhere; working in a virtual company from a home that I live in alone. I had achieved my goal - I am the invisible woman.
Or not, as events this week have revealed. I have been delusional and my thinking has been tipped on its rather skewed head. Apparently I am a 'very persuasive' person - a trait that makes me very good at my job on the one hand, however can be very damaging - both for me personally (as I invite others to collude in the idea that I am invisible by focusing on them) but also to others. When that persuasion is negative, it can generate discontent and my endless worrying is then catching and forces others to worry - about me, why I'm worrying and what on earth is wrong with - everything, themselves included! As you can hear, my thinking is rather muddled (and then some) and I am struggling to make sense of this.
I am 'held in mind' after all. I have not disappeared. I exist and on the whole that is superb, but it can also be damaging.
I have not managed to escape through not eating, by over imbibing in alcohol, by hiding away in the rafters.
I am. I still not am certain what 'I' is but I'm one step nearer to finding out.