The Invisible (Wo)Man

I realised this week that I have been devoting the majority of my life to date to being invisible.  To blending into the background.  To fitting in, becoming what I thought others wanted me to be - all to avoid comment, potential conflict or worse, anger and violence.  I wonder if this is one of the factors that prompted a cycle of eating disorders in my teens (and let's be honest, subsequently a lifetime of a slightly challenged relationship with food) - was I, literally, trying to disappear into very thin air?

I thought I was rather good at being invisible, certainly certain incidences and the behaviour of others' indicated that I should be awarded a gold star.  Parents who are largely uninterested in my life and rarely get in touch; people who think nothing of cancelling arrangements to meet up; being knocked over by a bike etc.  Of course I am responsible for certain events and instances in my past - allowing myself to be persuaded to dress to fit my ex's idea of what a Chelsea girlfriend looks like (not me apparently!); merging so well into the background that both of my significant others forgot that I existed and strayed elsewhere; working in a virtual company from a home that I live in alone.  I had achieved my goal - I am the invisible woman.

Or not, as events this week have revealed.  I have been delusional and my thinking has been tipped on its rather skewed head.  Apparently I am a 'very persuasive' person - a trait that makes me very good at my job on the one hand, however can be very damaging - both for me personally (as I invite others to collude in the idea that I am invisible by focusing on them) but also to others.  When that persuasion is negative, it can generate discontent and my endless worrying is then catching and forces others to worry - about me, why I'm worrying and what on earth is wrong with - everything, themselves included!  As you can hear, my thinking is rather muddled (and then some) and I am struggling to make sense of this.  

I am 'held in mind' after all.  I have not disappeared.  I exist and on the whole that is superb, but it can also be damaging.

I have not managed to escape through not eating, by over imbibing in alcohol, by hiding away in the rafters.

I am.  I still not am certain what 'I' is but I'm one step nearer to finding out.